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Another Colorado
I actually saw an episode of Haunted History on the History Channel today that I had not seen before - "Haunted Rockies". I had been thinking about Colorado a lot lately already, but after I watched this I definitely felt like I should move back to Colorado someday... it was just the various shots of the mountains that did it, not the ghost stories... they got me thinking of all the fun excursions we had when I was out there.
I had been reminded of Colorado so much lately for the simple reason that I had not had a car or run errands in a car since I last lived out there. So, dumb as it sounds, making a quick run to Target or the like takes me back to the time when I lived out there. I have to say I think it is mentally a lot better for you to just get out of the house regularly and get some visual and mental stimulation... introduce if possible new things into your brain-system... staying in your cave (I like to stay in my cave) can just be a recipe for depression. You wind up narrowing your psychic territory to correspond with your physical territory and can then pace and brood over it all day, and gnaw the same bones of losses and grudges over and over. Eh or something along those lines. Go for some walks or bike rides or something, I dunno.
I was lucky when I first moved to CO in 1995 since I had the one good friend there already, Hippie Mike P. Mike is a really smart, funny guy. We have been friends since early high school. He is a real thinker of the old school, in my view... sadly I seem to think mainly when in the shower, or trying to fall asleep at night (could that be why it takes me so long sometimes?), most of my other moments I try to fill up with some sort of INPUT, often courtesy of our good friend the Internet... reading endless web pages. Mike will still sit around and think and come up with various inventions and theories. Sometimes these are just fun to discuss, debate and examine. We would go out somewhere most weekends - the mountains, the grasslands - and walk around and talk. I really miss that and need to start my own solo excursion program here, definitely.
I have a few favorite outings that we took... once when with Liana, Mike's girlfriend we ran into a group of horses that were just roaming around. Another time we got caught in a hailstorm. It was a hot day out and this storm came up out of nowhere. I was off down some trail on my own and found myself suddenly receiving the wrath of the sky gods. I took shelter under a tree, recalling as I did how my stepfather used to tell me I was so stupid I would get under tree during a lightning storm. I decided to risk the lightning strike over being pelted by the hailstones. The hail stopped almost as quickly as it started, and then when I got back on the trail... briefly the whole world was refrigerated as the hail melted on the ground. And the sky was still black in part, yet calm... kind of a magical feeling, complete with a rainbow. The ground turned to mud eventually but for a moment there I got a good nature thrill.
I finally left Colorado for several reasons. Mike was moving to Europe for a year, to live with Liana in Bratislava. I wanted to work with my friends who had just started up an ISP in Chicago. I was a little worried about my job with Apple... and I just was at such odds with the thugs that ran the call centers I worked with. Man I am still bitter about that one. This was an outsource vendor Apple was using for tech support back then (they have since stopped using this vendor), and I was on site to both help them and monitor them. They loved that monitor aspect, let me tell you. All call center tech support is assembly-line like, but these characters struck me as being especially horrible to their employees, just really callous. It wasn't that which put me at odds with them I guess, well OK partially - I am sure they sensed my lack of respect - but I just got to where I wanted to show them my ass on the way out the door and be done with it. And so it was. Oh and also, and here's where we see what a giant baby I am again, I hated driving in the snow and ice out there, and didn't want to have to commute through another Colorado winter. Yeah. Almost forgot that one.
So who knows, maybe I'll make it back someday. I used to think I wanted my life more "settled" first, meaning I wanted to feel like I was a real professional of some sort with a career and some money in the bank, also meaning being married. But... eh... well that part of the country does still seem to have a devil-take-the-hindmost vibe, and little patience for the likes of timid and uncertain me... I think I could find work though.
And as for marriage... well... I have come to the conclusion I was brainwashed during a moody adolescence spent listening to songs by the likes of the Beatles and Bob Dylan where romantic love has this primacy. Thus the lack of love became some huge thing in my mind, and the continued failure to find it could only be interpreted (by my wicked brain anyhow) as evidence of something deeply wrong with me. Any confidence was eroded, I wound up feeling like some consummate loser... but really... maybe sometimes you don't "get" things because deep down you don't really want them... or it's just not your path in life. Who knows. Stupid Beatles. Even if I still think "Ticket to Ride" is one of the greatest songs of all time....
So, yeah, if I can figure out this winter driving thing, and feel like I can get a job out there, maybe I'll move back sometime. Not sure where I would want to live just yet though. Probably somewhere near Mike if he is still there, as I expect he will be.
But then, there's always Nevada.
I had been reminded of Colorado so much lately for the simple reason that I had not had a car or run errands in a car since I last lived out there. So, dumb as it sounds, making a quick run to Target or the like takes me back to the time when I lived out there. I have to say I think it is mentally a lot better for you to just get out of the house regularly and get some visual and mental stimulation... introduce if possible new things into your brain-system... staying in your cave (I like to stay in my cave) can just be a recipe for depression. You wind up narrowing your psychic territory to correspond with your physical territory and can then pace and brood over it all day, and gnaw the same bones of losses and grudges over and over. Eh or something along those lines. Go for some walks or bike rides or something, I dunno.
I was lucky when I first moved to CO in 1995 since I had the one good friend there already, Hippie Mike P. Mike is a really smart, funny guy. We have been friends since early high school. He is a real thinker of the old school, in my view... sadly I seem to think mainly when in the shower, or trying to fall asleep at night (could that be why it takes me so long sometimes?), most of my other moments I try to fill up with some sort of INPUT, often courtesy of our good friend the Internet... reading endless web pages. Mike will still sit around and think and come up with various inventions and theories. Sometimes these are just fun to discuss, debate and examine. We would go out somewhere most weekends - the mountains, the grasslands - and walk around and talk. I really miss that and need to start my own solo excursion program here, definitely.
I have a few favorite outings that we took... once when with Liana, Mike's girlfriend we ran into a group of horses that were just roaming around. Another time we got caught in a hailstorm. It was a hot day out and this storm came up out of nowhere. I was off down some trail on my own and found myself suddenly receiving the wrath of the sky gods. I took shelter under a tree, recalling as I did how my stepfather used to tell me I was so stupid I would get under tree during a lightning storm. I decided to risk the lightning strike over being pelted by the hailstones. The hail stopped almost as quickly as it started, and then when I got back on the trail... briefly the whole world was refrigerated as the hail melted on the ground. And the sky was still black in part, yet calm... kind of a magical feeling, complete with a rainbow. The ground turned to mud eventually but for a moment there I got a good nature thrill.
I finally left Colorado for several reasons. Mike was moving to Europe for a year, to live with Liana in Bratislava. I wanted to work with my friends who had just started up an ISP in Chicago. I was a little worried about my job with Apple... and I just was at such odds with the thugs that ran the call centers I worked with. Man I am still bitter about that one. This was an outsource vendor Apple was using for tech support back then (they have since stopped using this vendor), and I was on site to both help them and monitor them. They loved that monitor aspect, let me tell you. All call center tech support is assembly-line like, but these characters struck me as being especially horrible to their employees, just really callous. It wasn't that which put me at odds with them I guess, well OK partially - I am sure they sensed my lack of respect - but I just got to where I wanted to show them my ass on the way out the door and be done with it. And so it was. Oh and also, and here's where we see what a giant baby I am again, I hated driving in the snow and ice out there, and didn't want to have to commute through another Colorado winter. Yeah. Almost forgot that one.
So who knows, maybe I'll make it back someday. I used to think I wanted my life more "settled" first, meaning I wanted to feel like I was a real professional of some sort with a career and some money in the bank, also meaning being married. But... eh... well that part of the country does still seem to have a devil-take-the-hindmost vibe, and little patience for the likes of timid and uncertain me... I think I could find work though.
And as for marriage... well... I have come to the conclusion I was brainwashed during a moody adolescence spent listening to songs by the likes of the Beatles and Bob Dylan where romantic love has this primacy. Thus the lack of love became some huge thing in my mind, and the continued failure to find it could only be interpreted (by my wicked brain anyhow) as evidence of something deeply wrong with me. Any confidence was eroded, I wound up feeling like some consummate loser... but really... maybe sometimes you don't "get" things because deep down you don't really want them... or it's just not your path in life. Who knows. Stupid Beatles. Even if I still think "Ticket to Ride" is one of the greatest songs of all time....
So, yeah, if I can figure out this winter driving thing, and feel like I can get a job out there, maybe I'll move back sometime. Not sure where I would want to live just yet though. Probably somewhere near Mike if he is still there, as I expect he will be.
But then, there's always Nevada.
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Yes. ;)
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